isi Nazar Ko Aapka Aaj Bhi Imtizar Hai ..

A story of a “Complete” Man … we call him BABA.

A loving & committed wife, 5 accomplished Sons & a caring daughter, privileged to get utmost love n affection from grand children, well recognised among family & friends, all his wishes came true including his last wish of getting treated through his doctor son.

So a “Complete Man” with a “Fulfilled Life” !

My father, Yes my father ... he is handsome, softened at the edges and tempered with a spine of steel.

I still remember & cherish those moments…

Cycling 7 days a week from 5 am to 8pm, Getting up early to make us Read, Buying a b/w Dyanora TV - to watch Ramanand sagar’s Ramayan, Enjoying Chitrahar & weekend movies with family, Mid night soccer & early morning cricket, Sticking to Bombay dying as preferred  brand, Inner pocket for safe cash, Red suitcase with 1990’s receipts / certificates / guarantee cards,  Accounting of even a single rupee, sense of happiness when family is around, excitement level on first time flight to Delhi, …

List is long n countless.. lot of learnings & earnings too …

Let me tell u .. there is a difference between TODAY & YESTERDAY.

Today our eyes can’t see u, nose can’t smell u, we can’t hear u, we can’t touch u.

Today we can’t offer u dosa, can’t have our morning tea together, can’t check ur Blood pressure, Maa can’t hold ur hands in the night, can’t dance on your b'day.

Today we can’t ask u not to complain, can’t  pray for your recovery …

Many such things..Baba ! And this difference is significant & killing us from inside..

We do appreciate your existence and the impactful role you have played in our lives. You have given us two most precious things for our whole life. One is love with sacrifice; the second is education with spirituality.

Just bless us so that we can carry forward your legacy of discipline, timeliness & countless other precious things!

I want to grow old and be like U..

I want Nyra too carry your legacy forward.. i want to see u in her !

No matter what I do or what I say, I know, for a fact, u’ll will be there to support me / us.

Love u BABA ! And i m sure ur story will continue..

isi Nazar ko Aapka aaj bhi intizar hai ..

those tiny Moments of LIFE...

__CB

Let the grey leaves fall & the colorful flowers bloom,
Let the darkness come & you say HELLO to the moon....

Let the week come to an end & that Friday feeling is not forewent,
Let the first snowfall deepen & you feel the warmth of blanket.

Let that tiny kitten cross your path & the little squirrel smile,
Let your child giggle on the other side of phone & you soak in the joy_N_thrill.

Let your cups become bottomless & you keep pouring Whisky,
Find time to love and hate and love again, and never truly feel Happy.

Let your imagination run wild; but keep it on the sunny side,
Merry Christmas & A Very Happy New Year Welcome with pride ! :)

Wh*** less Life !

Imagine a WORLD / LIFE of ...

'when less' - then only NOW would matter.
'how less' - then INSTINCT would be master.
'who less' - then FREEDOM would be simpler.
'why less' - then MOTIVE would be clearer.
'where less' - then SELF would be the fixer.
'what less' - then ALL would be a WONDER !!!

It's the destiny, the LIFE, the fate,
Don't care about their curses and hate.

Now wipe the nose and cease to cry,
Forget about the gravity and fly!
 

Family - A domestic affair !

“No man is poor who has a Godly mother.”
― Abraham Lincoln

 

Mom standing in a corner with huge tears in her eyes as if she is sure that she will never see you again. Kids hugs you at the rate of 10 times a minute, some of them being so intense that you are unable to breathe. Your dad is going in and out of the garage hauling your luggage while periodically screaming things like “Car! ASAP!”, “We are late! Let’s move!” “How hard can it be to get yourself in the car?!” etc. etc.

 

Then he looks at mom while passing her and screams in her ear: “We can cry at the airport, let’s get in the car first” which changes mother’s tears to anger and they start arguing which actually relieves you because it is a good distraction for your mother, at least for the time being.

 

So the screaming and the sobbing and the hugs and the tears continue while you make your way to the airport. Everyone sees you off like you are going on the voyage to never-land from where your chances of coming back are slim. Yeah, you see, I have a very supportive family.

 

And any consolation in your part will only be dealt with anger.

 

“Mom I am just going a couple hundred miles away, Its just a two hour flight. I will be back in May/June. It’s not like you are not going to see me for years!” I tried while hugging her.

"What rubbish! You come once a year and that too for a few days".

“Mom I was here for a month!” I try again.

"what month?! one month in a whole year!” she declares.

 

And the argument goes on...

 

Sometimes it bothers me because my family can create a scene and the airport, for one, is not the easiest places to find your way around because neither the people are friendly nor the staff courteous. You can’t do much with your mom sobbing, your dad freaking out and kids hugging rate and intensity continuously increasing by the minute.

 

I take a sigh of relief when I pass the security checkpoint and actually leave them behind. After that finding my way to the Gate becomes so much easier...
.... what about them???

खोज - QUEST !

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I'll come across these photographs again was not at all anticipated. It appears like I’m looking back that one moment to retrospect or to romanticize my past...

Hey, what are YOU thinking ? Am I looking like busy in styling my hairs? Noticing what pimples are doing on my face? Dark circles under my eyes? Looking tired OR realizing that I have lost weight a lot & now looking fit-n-fine ;-)?

 

Or I’m trying to breathe onto a mirror just to make sure I’m still alive….

 

Am I thinking to own the mirror that really reflects me as a person; not just renewing my fitness club membership…?

 

?????

 

Fact is - man's imagination also runs wild ... and imaginary stories don't have anywhere to go. If only the feelings they brought were also imaginary.... Perhaps, I'm proving it & in this photograph (rather mirror) I’m urging to know the people (rather TRUE people :-)) I am accompanied with (or just walking all alone?).

The life we live is different at all the points we meet and know the people. It's amazing how intricately we knew these people once. They shared a part of their lives with us and we shared some of ours. Some we knew only for a few months, some we knew for years, some we had crushes on, and some we almost thought would turn out to be close friends. But they didn't. Sometimes we can’t see who is actually in front of us, because they are right behind us. So it’s necessary to look at the mirror to know the TRUE people around. Not only a front view – it gives a rear view as well even if it is broken into pieces :-).

Look in a mirror, what do you see? A reflection of U or the crowd U like?...

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Sometimes I write because I'm HAPPY... :-)

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[Sometimes I write because I'm HAPPY. Sometimes I become HAPPY because I choose to write. :-)]

 

Last night. Last night, I was little sad. Sad in a surprised way. Sad in a 'now-what?' 'how come?' state.

 

There were some amount of thoughts playing in my mind, each trying to suppress the other. I had a strange apprehension, possibly because there is a certain limit to which the mind can accommodate conflicts. That made me hungry and filled up every thought in my mind. Started questioning myself – 'how can I be so carefree'. But you have been honest and noble. You, made me realize that it is an event in life when you fail, you become fearless. It feels good because the entire process is a path to self discovery.

 

"You haven't been sad in a while, and this realization came to you when you started thinking about it. This is just another event – yes another event, which will not determine the rest of your life. Think about the beautiful day you had; you have a freedom tonight and a beautiful Sunday morning is waiting for you." – your words came true as if you had scripted the event. :p

 

There is a fine line between happiness and sadness. It's always evident when we are crossing from happiness to sadness. But, somehow we don't realize when we cross that line from sadness to happiness. Perhaps this the reason why we don't appreciate our happiness, and complain when we are sad. We are so accustomed to complaining about sadness that at some point it comes naturally to us - like muscle memory - a reflex action. Perhaps sadness wouldn't be so bad if we appreciated the happy moments in life. Sadness wouldn't be so hurtful if we believed that we could be happy again, just like we were before. A few setbacks don't determine our worth, let alone our happiness in life.

 

One morning you wake up and suddenly the sun is shining. It is faint because the mind is still aware of the chill, but the heart feels warm. You rediscover yourself and the happiness which you have overlooked for a long time. Then there is a smile on your face. :-)

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tODAY iS nOT tHE dAY !

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I remember – one weekend I started my day with a photograph. A photograph; telling me that ONLY the photograph belongs to me. Though it did not say where or when – but I am not unaware. I know it was some time in the afternoon time when we all were enjoying each others company. No self-possessiveness, no boundaries. The 'where' / 'when' doesn't matter to me. What matters to me now is 'the character'. The character is no more with me. At least that's what I could think of that day. I found an easy way out. Not facing the situation, not dealing with the issues, added a 'pause' into life. Good for both (?). She wouldn't have to deal with my millions of questions. She has opted to stay away, somewhere far away, let her. Perhaps somewhere better.

For the next few days, I stayed at home. I kept staring at that photograph, thinking that perhaps I am just over-reading the situation. If I just read/feel it one more time, I will get a different meaning out of it, and will realize how silly I am to have misunderstood that we are not together. But that didn't happen no matter how many times I tried. Some things really aren't in our control. What's done is done. Some things we just have to live no matter how much pain it causes. Some choices/events we must accept.

Yet, a part of me still thinks that if I go back enough to the past, I will somehow magically change the situation. That too will change soon enough. Perhaps, some day I won't look at it at all. Perhaps someday I will forget about the photograph and it's character too. BUT - Today is not that day.

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a little far away, but not out of our reach...

Not just a poem !

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Poem "The Cookie Thief" written by Valerie Cox and read by Wayne Dyer !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Mx-aErLF5k

You Tube version of this Poem :-

 

 

 

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It raises mixed feelings in my heart & mind every time I read it. It is such a great lesson in character.

 

How many times in our lives,
have we absolutely known
that something was a certain way,
only to discover later that
what we believed to be true ... was not?

 

[Don't rush into a judgement unless u see the end !!]

Your shadow tells that you still exist...

Afternoon time...but a long one.

 

Hey, it’s U. Yes U. Of course it’s ur shadow.. mine as well. Neither of us can deny this fact. Just a shadow or a reflection of each other [Think ! Not to be answered.] ?

Reflections/shadows - they are honest. They appear just the way they really are (always dark, so predictable). They don't try to be sweet, or pretty, or happy when they are not. No matter how much we lie to ourselves, our shadow will always be there to show us what's really there. There is neither pompous nor pretentious about shadows.

Though shadow always follows us, let’s cast a shadow on something wherever we stand - not by moving from place to place (person to person). Choose a place where you are well-off - yes, choose a place where you are very much calm, easy, happy & relaxed, & stand in it for all you are worth, facing the sunshine.

You know what -  our shadow always tells us that we still exist. Let’s not just carry our lives through a mirror to get rid of shadows. One thing I love about little kids they always notice their shadows. Don’t know why as adults we forget.

“What would your good do if evil didn't exist, and what would the earth look like if all the shadows disappeared?”

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Perspectives !

"Who Am I?" A confused life. Yes - ur mistake is my life & when u fixed; I'm lost, yes, I'm.			:-(
:-)	"Who Am I?" An enlightened life. Yes - my mistake is my life & when u slipped up; I survived.
'Am I mad?' Don’t laugh. Yes, I am. You know why? I'm not in life, not in death. Hanging, waiting for someone to pull up or push me down. I am mad for sure.			:-(
:-)	'Am I mad?' Don’t laugh. Yes, I am. You know why? Because, I must be. Otherwise u wouldn’t hv been part of my life.   Am in life, not in death. Swinging.. Oscillating.. & no desire to come to rest. I am mad for sure.
"R u a joker?" -  shot another. Yes – I am. With the mask to make u laugh, when ur eyes r full. I may look like a mocking face; but better than thousand clicks. One person's craziness is another person's reality. The laughing faces around me hides the unwanted sympathy, the unheard cry, the unsaid words.			:-(
:-)	"U R funny!" -  shot another. Yes – I am. May be its ur ability to look at everything close up. It's not just that u r an optimist; I’ve got both looks & loveliness; dear. My plastic surgeon said, u got to go with a smile. The tragic or the humorous is a matter of perspective. So, take off the mask & start giggling…
"Hey, u just deleted me" No one noticed except me. May be it’s the beginning or... it’s just my vision fading. Someone asked, how’s life in the ‘recycle bin'? ‘Nice’, I said. I don't need the darkness to dream, I don't need the light to ride. It’s an air tight box - I can sleep undisturbed. Forever …			:-(
:-)	Har khel mein hum ho na ho Gardis mein taare rahenge sada, Bhoologe tum bhoolenge woh Par hum tumhare rahenge sada. Rahenge yahin apne nisan, Iss ke sewa jaana kahan.	:-)

Desperate attempt ?

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From: chitaranjan behera <behera.chitaranjan@gmail.com>

Date: Fri, Mar 30, 2012 at 7:56 PM
To: abc <abc@gmail.com>

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I lived up with a feeling - "for me I know she is always with me and for her I know I am always with her".

I used to think, ‘I'll have somebody with me & shall share my laughter with somebody, and share my tears with somebody, wanted to be close to somebody'.

So many things have happened & keep on happening...

But why am I still holding on to tht small piece of hope that I'll wake up one day and see somebody around.

My heart is frozen and mind is blocked ...Am I just a shallow cow? No - now i feel its enogh - Enough is enough !

I just want to be happy without anybody. I'm so dejected and need to see that i never get into any type of relationship and I know I deserve better treatment.

Honestly I don't have any nagging fears that break up might be the wrong thing to do.

How many regrets you will have with me?

At least u'll be happy - and i'll be happy seeing u happy.

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From: abc <abc@gmail.com>
Date: Fri, Mar 30, 2012 at 9:44 PM
To: chitaranjan behera <behera.chitaranjan@gmail.com>

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mera dil bhari ho ra hai.... simply cant say anything...

I wish i had power to explain myself tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo....

I dnt kno wat I feel. I dnt kno wats in my mind. I wish I cud give wat u want in lieu

 

I CAN'T understand myself & may expect u 2 to do.

if I cud, I cud may b hv explained it to you.

I can not c u trying & failing lyk this..... i kno u try... i kno u do

All ur messages reach me well...

I dnt kno why there is heaven & there is hell...

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What Else We Want ? :-)

I'M BACK !

I am rich enough to buy back my past

I am lucky enough to get it fast
They asked me to stay away
But I wanted it all my way
Steering the wheels of certainty
So, I am back and I am happy…

Enjoying Ice candy with nephew & niece

Getting up from bed with a morning kiss
Chasing butterflies and picking up flowers
Playing with blocks and making towers
Gaining childhood life is indeed classy
Of course, I am back and I am happy…

Life is free & budging on the track

Geared up to fly the miles on flash
Right to pick with whom I want to walk & talk
Can set a playlist rocking around the clock
Gone is the summer to prove my variety
No matter what, I am back and I am happy…

The princesses and the songs in rain

Happy endings in fairy tales again
I can start a fresh with no stain
"Do what you love" pops-up again
Dare to dream the desire of paternity
Yes indeed, I am back and I am happy…

Discovered, why BAD is so GOOD

Lasted as long as I could
I know - Changes rolls-in on the panel of dent
BUT - Living for the dream, loving for a moment
STOP !! No more pleas for pity
I am sure, I am back and I am happy…

Story Telling...

9:42PM 18th Feb 2012

She: hello again J

Chitaranjan: hey... hi seems quite busy day..

She: yah! but finishing off pending wrks J.. jst reached delhi is full of traffic ...

Chitaranjan: yeah..i knw u stay in delhi or noida?

She: rikshaw b beech sadak pe chalte hai.. horn maarte raho bande bhi gaadiyo k aage i chalte hai at some places :P ..

Chitaranjan: J thy make ur life challenging; even on roads..

She: yes J WEST delhi..

Chitaranjan: ok i used to stay in RK Puram waise i enjoyed delhi lyf..

She: waise toh i also love this place i love the BHEED actually. J but its good to cribble also K ..

Chitaranjan: hmm.. so u happy ;-) look at me ... not at all often i feel like helpless.. screaming ...shouting.. L

She: SHOUT m listening ;-).. yes ...jor se ..

Chitaranjan: to vent out frustrations..

She: do it J

Chitaranjan: baas ! rehne do u hv come frm tht bheed bhad no more ...

She: nahi wo bheed to muje sunti hi ni m lost...

Chitaranjan: hehehe

She: wht about dinner?

Chitaranjan: hmm ..don't knw.. habbit of skipping L

She: thts not gud to get used to such things..

Chitaranjan: don’t knw gud or bad..

She: At least i dnt feel that one shud b..

Chitaranjan: agree .. but no choice

She: v make choices..

Chitaranjan: anyways let me make some arrangements wait..

She: thats gud.. np..

AFTER 10 Minutes…

Chitaranjan: yes, had something J happy?

She: yup now, u complete ur turn then i'll tell u something to support my comment

Chitaranjan: my turn?..

She: yeah in our last chat i told u few of my incidents its ur turn now..

Chitaranjan: oh i see..

She: n i dnt mind if urs are not as interesting as mine ;-)..

Chitaranjan: let me evoke.. ring a bell //

She: tk ur tym..

Chitaranjan: okie …. now i m under pressure hmm…….. real pressure J..

She: :D our true self comes out wen v wrk under pressure ;-)..

Chitaranjan: hmmm.. ur story was more genuine.. reflecting ur natural behavior..

She: hmmm..

Chitaranjan: let me share something in the similar line tht reflects me …

She: i believe everyone has some natural behavior.. yea, its jst that I hv some impressions about u… rest will b made wen u tel me abt urself J

Chitaranjan: ok J

She: yes u can proceed J..

Chitaranjan: ok let me tell u a very recent incident..

She: Yes

Chitaranjan: a story of yesterday don’t knw u wld like ths or not anyways ... i was having a bad day yesterday..

She: i like anything/everything :P remember always J..

Chitaranjan: ok baba.. J so wht I was saying.. yes - a very bad day.. was very upset went to a coffee shop..

She: so wat bad waise?

Chitaranjan: shall tell u later ..let me complete the story

She: ok..

Chitaranjan: ok i ordered a sandwich & a cup of coffee

She: k..

Chitaranjan: a girl back in the counter.. was making sandwich..

She: k..

Chitaranjan: somehow I felt like.. she was also looked very down..clumsy .. like me

She: ok

Chitaranjan: u knw mayonaise ?..

She: ya..

Chitaranjan: it was spilling over..

She: ok..

Chitaranjan: i cld understand her state of mind

She: ok..

Chitaranjan: cldn't stop myself with lot of guts went to her & said 'we all hv days like ths ..its ok' she looked at me..

She: k..

Chitaranjan: thn I said u knw - “u’ve got a FACE for smile”.. hmmm... thn she smiled J

She: so sweet..

Chitaranjan: and thn i also smiled..

She: lovely..

Chitaranjan: she reciprocated with ‘hey young man ! u also hv got a good smile'

She: then?..

Chitaranjan: i said “tnx .. tomorrow it will be a better one J”

She: tht was gr8 dialog..

Chitaranjan: J yes i knw.. thn i could see an expression in her face tht was willing to describe something.. it was indeed worth noticing..

She: and a moment worth cherishing..

Chitaranjan: yes - now she opened up and passed a better smile J

Chitaranjan: i waited for few minutes she served me sandwich and while handing over to me she said “tnx .. it was indeed needed..”

She: how sweet..

Chitaranjan: thn i left tht place - not sure if i'll get a chance to go thr even if i go - not sure if i can meet her again..

She: hmmm ths happens..

Chitaranjan: even if i meet her - not sure she will recognize me..

She: hmm..

Chitaranjan: but YES I realized that “we get distracted easily by others ..also fact is, sometimes in order to heal urself u need to reach out to someone else..." ths is how I can summarize ths story ths is wht i hv posted today in my FB ..not sure how many could relate to ths J

… … … and the chat continued…