Im My Mind

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Beautiful Sadness..

Someone left the _cake_ out in the rain,
I'ld never have that _recipe_ again.

Didn’t know why _good_ is so bad,
It would end up with so sad.

Silent _night_, Deadly _sight_,
And life is facing a BIG _fight_.

It’s all not gone, but it’s not done.
I wonder if I can dream _alone_.

Who will write _poem_ to nurture?
How shall I  face the _future_?

One way is with apprehension,
The other is with anticipation.

Yes I’ve hit that _low_ for sure,
But I can’t _allow_ it to endure.

I can either _fall_ in shame,
Or I can _bounce back_ again.

BUT indeed -
I want to _dance_ … before I die,
I wld prefer to _die_ ... before I lie.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

SILENCE !

It is 02:07am & I'm wide awake. I can't sing the song of Rachel green - The Morning is Here ..The Morning is Here... Sunshine is Here. It's not the morning – rather a deep night. The world has settled down, the human beings have calmed themselves for a few hours, and of course the nature is running its course. I am still awake; not sometimes; unusually usual. I lose grip on the equilibrium of my life and I get a sleepless night here and there.

An unfinished poem, an unfinished novel or an unfinished symphony can never have the aesthetic status of completed works of music, art or literature.

The same applies to individual human life. A human life cannot attain its full meaning until it is complete. Everything seeks purpose and meaning.

An expression (may through email/SMS/post card..) is always complemented by an expression (if reciprocated).

But - SILENCE ?  A Call/Conversation ended up with bad note? - actually kills from inside.

Perhaps that's why I am awake. I am so scared to fall asleep. So scared to really let me take where it will.  

"If you don't do this, I'll not give you candy anymore". And there it is. It is pure, it is simple, and it is being enacted right before me. The laws that govern the "little"; not the “grownups”.


[---------O<--------
So far, I have been on one end of the spectrum - not being the quiet listener but the one with the lump in the throat.

NOW - I want to listen. I'ld love to listen. Believe me, you won't be able to connect with someone (even if you spend day and night with them) the way you do in that one moment of expression/confession, one moment with trembling lips and wet eyes — in that one moment of trust.

And it is almost always about that ONE moment… if it passes, it would not come back. If you are distracted, you wouldn’t hear it again. Sometimes, just missing that one moment keeps us at a distance from the person we love for the rest of our lives.
-------->O----------]

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Life should move on !

Was all alone the entire day, waiting for an intervention. I knew I
won't have anyone to help me to get through; but it was hard to believe.

Yes - you rightly said, life should move on. Why to wake up crying in
the midnight.. why to wait for a call.. why to blame the fate or
OTHERS.

You suggested to start a new habit to get engaged & divert the
attention. Yes, I attempted today. To be able to move on, I started to
learn to forgive & forget not only the person (or people) but also to
the situations.

I know this turbulence will come to an end; and if not, then this is
not the end of my life.

'Dream' - it is a magical memory that unites fantasy and reality; why
can't a LIFE be like a dream?

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

where all the ans are ...

In continuation to earlier post “An Elegant Emotion - My Love Story !”.
Sitting at home, alone, on a Sunday morning watching DD1-Chitrahar, Wednesday evening watching ‘Foodie show’, walking around that old crowded lane of Chinese food & desi GOLGAPPE THELE (carts/shops) … when you experience these and other reminders –  tells U that U R still NOT unattached; though it’s quite natural.
Fact is today also I miss U a lot… today also I Love U a lot … today also I’m alone with a great feeling of your love !!
Am not sure if you can get a chance to read this or I can get a chance to prove myself. I'll not get into “theory of thin slices” – we have a big bite to have. I keep happy those people who I want to be happy – so let me open the locked door… my answer to ur ‘??’.
Essentially, I didn’t have any alternate way out other than ‘hiding myself’. I assumed that love ripens with age.. especially with bad situations they encounter. I do know [look], [height], [health], [money], [color], [caste], [priority], [name] etc. has NO role to play in LOVE.  Believe me – You are THE BEST girl I have ever met in my life. At the same time, this is also true that the GUY you have met is not ruthless who can disregard U or ur feelings. He respects your love, emotions, character, attitude, beauty, patience ….everything !
It’s unfortunate that he could not get you in his life. One big  space / void created and will remain forever.
Still remember your words …
Some girls make great girlfriends. But they're just not good enough for marriage,  am I one of them? You don't have the balls to stand up for? What does a guy really mean when he breaks up with you ...but says, that he still loves you and always will?
If he means what he's saying.. Why would he break up with you in the first place?
Is it just a way of making you feel better about being dumped?
It means “there is still a (faint) possibility that he may come back :-)” - though I didn’t reply … I wanted to make U realize this.
I feel honored when U say “Difficult to understand men – BUT  U R not among them”. You know why ? Because what began as a ‘relationship’ turned into a ‘passion’ – an honest & TRUE response.
There have been times in our life, when we faced with such questions than we had answers to. And the wisdom lies in exploring the self and the surroundings… because that’s where all the answers are.
Why ‘Fight’ despite high intensity of love between us? Intense to tensed – is quite likely/obvious/natural… may be a form of demand as well.
What? “Why did we get separated?” To retain that thrill, obsession, ardor, fury we have between us. Easy to keep relationship with somebody who is far away - not who is close to you. Don’t know how the HELL look like – BUT certainly I know what the HEAVEN is while we are together. I can still sink into UR dimples !
I still don’t have answer to one of your questions “What type of relationship we have(had)?” – Am I wrong if I say I never asked for more than your love ..so you”. U & I – a beautiful world.
There is nothing more rewarding for me than the experience of watching a girl finally obtain her hearts desire :-) …says “How can I get U back?” Desperate attempt to get her love back… There is more to life than a boy/girl (- but without partner?). Famous dialogue from movie ‘turing 30’ - the solution to break-up is a hair cut & may be motherhood is your true calling :-)
Everyone grows up with fairy tales. Imagining magic wand & happy endings. Some dreams are just illusions. So get into an action. Marry a rich, smart, eligible guy and create waves in the world.. in ur LIFE. Pretty clear cut and simple i'ld say.
Well I've always said it's about a journey...so I am travelling (don’t know with whom?). As a matter of fact - yes i am… with my job ! Cheers to that ! That pretty much sums up my life. I still haven't quite "made it". Its not that ex-girl friends are irresitabler… its not dare for pole dancing with my cloths off.. Lets get technical - switch ON and OFF. Don't hang around - rebounce and move on.
I am not giving U lessons in moral science. Can I turn back the clock and rewrite the ending? Can I announce that I’m still ‘single’? Answer is ‘NO’ & I know U support it.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

I am still in the past ...

I am still in the past..

writing for my life
and waiting for my life.

"You changed his life"
her eyes going moist: "No, he changed mine"
u were never alone
was all around you..forever(?)

found my sneakers loosening
u tightened them up
those were old... right time to let them go
just like everything else ?

veerzara to ghulam ali
saregama to rangoli
loved to sing songs for u
never allowed kishore or sonu to impress u
hey u there ? I can still sing for u…

we feel the pain, we inflict the pain
we have made promises, we have wrecked promises
we are the predators and we are the victims
u know – we are alike?

pillows out of place
blanket half on the bed & half on the floor.
room has never looked messy
as it used to be yours.
oh.. give them back to me
all in the right order.
too much ?

u hear the raindrops falling on ?
i feel like ALONE ..

I am still in the past... you left me there... want to be there... want to be with 'U'.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

… that makes one COMPLETE !

16th of Jan'11, evening 7PM, she (my bhabi jee) was shouting like anything - it was a distinct sign of labor pain. Come close to me … call the doctor … I need your help – she was getting impatient (quite obvious though). Being a doctor my brother was pretending to be very normal. He was there to support her, not to wonder or weep; so he corked up his feelings;  amazing attitude.

Next day morning; all was hurry, edgy and exciting. The hospital corridor was full of glowing of humanity; the walls were lined with rows of families-N-friends, the sound of many feet and voices made that usually quiet morning hour as noisy as noon; and making of the hospital a home J !

In the midst of it all, the matron's smiley face brought relief to all of us and the cheery words welcomed by all.

There they were ! Finally it paid off – they blessed with a second child – a baby BOY !!

How can I forget the stages she (bhabi jee) has gone through last couple of years. 'I wish I shouldn't have written this' - but I guess there's no point regretting anything either. Though it's in the past and not something to talk about now; BUT - "I just wanted to make a beautiful thing, a nice thing that she can listen to and feel good".

Trisha (niece) was equally attentive towards her pregnant mom and excited to see her sibling. Now she has an equal with whom she can play and show her elderliness.

This is not a situation of “guarding woman's form or fortifying the womb”. This has ACTUALLY made their family A COMPLTE FAMILY !! Small and Happy !! Now they have 2 children – an elder daughter and a younger son.

Edging out word ‘completeness’ - the statistics are startling. There are many forms of life where we look for the “completeness”.

HOW do we look at the situations like …
* “The single life !” - An ‘woman’ without man or vice-versa …?
* An unsuccessful marriage …?
* An womb that can't fertilize …? (Will ‘Adoption’ bring in the completeness?)
* Academic Degree that can’t be capitalized …  
* Failed to ‘Pay back / indebted to Parenting’ …
* A relationship without a ‘Name’… [Failed to convert ‘love’ into marriage…?]
* A ‘company’ that you can’t enjoy …
* Packing up of ‘Faithfulness’ towards your well-wisher…?

The list is long and end-less…

So a question strikes to my mind – “What makes life meaningful ? - simply living it or making it a complete one?”.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Need reason / time for resolution... for change?

Ah, yes - another New Year has come. How can we forget ‘new year’s resolution’? It's a tradition that invokes everything from resignation to reorganization (?) and has the power to launch feelings of responsibility, success, and brightness humor in a flash.

BUT – do we really need to wait till a new year to come to bring in changes in our life … something good to happen in our life ?

I guess I am not wrong, if I translate “Happy New Year” into “Have a nice day * 365” ? So every day is a new day & each day counts; rather every minute & every moment counts.

Though I’m not entitled to comment on astrological viewpoints – I guess, star positions are also not linked to year change (1:1:xxxx).

I agree, any change in environment (may be *just* the number 2010 -> 2011) seeds a new thought in our mind and we should enjoy/exploit the freshness of this change ! Let’s go by this ‘good excuse to move-on’ and uphold this strive for a long, at least till next year to start.

Simply put, if our lives, thoughts and actions are conducive to produce a particular result, we would certainly produce it, especially if it is important to us.

Let’s try to live a simple, sincere and serene life… repel every thought of discontent, anxiety, discouragement…“The wise man knows the means to certain good ends; and secondly, he knows how much particular ends are worth!”.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

A post card a Day !

Was in a rush to go to Kirtinager a packet dropped down to my feet from the rack. It’s a bundle of post cards - very close to my heart indeed.

One must agree – It is always good to read and write the past.

I remember those days, when I used to go to the college post office everyday for ‘a post card’. Three years of MCA I hardly missed out any of the days going to our postman. The post card, couple of days back was in my parent’s hand, brother’s hand… I used to smell the cards… used to read number of times as if I’ve missed out something. It was indeed the case – I used to read both the sides of the card without taking a breath even.

One of the lines always catches my eyes “I can do DNA test - even if it doesn’t match, I still love you!!” – she had written.

Quite obvious, all of these cards brings back memories and we become nostalgic – right?

[ Good to grow ! But why SMS/emails does not have the impact a post card used to be? – THINK about it ! ]

There's always a good thing in every bad situation. Even if at the moment we go through something we don't understand - in the end, one morning we will see and find the good thing in a bad situation. There is always a reason for why things happen.

1.       Is it the case that when we talk of ‘the past’ it is usually referred to the good old days/moments ONLY ? Are we JUST romanticizing the history and leaving out the bad bits?
2.       If we talk of ‘the future’ – it’s the human nature to ‘hope for the good’.

So is the past and the future always better than the present OR God is always good J !

Saturday, December 25, 2010

I relate to your frustration - Mom !

May be the reason why I don't want to confront you about those "little" things is - I am afraid I’ll say something that will hurt you or challenge you in a way I’m not used to. Yes, I've found out a way to deal with the matter; write these things down and discuss them at a time when you are NOT angry :-). I can discuss them in a more rational way and may be even get you to hear me. Best not to try to talk when we are pissed off :=)

"Stop it now !"
"I'm going..."
"Leave me alone.."

Hey, It's natural - for the people who live together and spend most of their time with each other to sometimes disagree. Just think of the last time you and dad got into a fight. You didn't really mean all those things you said, did you? In the end, you probably made up. The same goes for everybody.

Hey, believe me, I relate to your frustration – Mom!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

An Elegant Emotion - My Love Story !

X% written .. shall keep on evolving …

Note : Purely a fantasy ..

Cring !! Cring !! telephone rang up early in the morning. Pretending to wake up in a daze. I know you also feel the same as I. We used to enjoy disturbing each other – sometimes in the night and sometimes in snooze.

You remember? first mobile in your life gifted by your father. *Mobile* used to be a style statement those days. “U must be tired – as u r running in my mind !!” was the 1st SMS you received. Hey, that was me ;-) and the best mistake ever done by me. “Hum Aap ke Dil Mein Rehte Hein… [before the movie released the title coined by me]” was the 2nd SMS that turned out to be a success (?). Stimulation made your fingers come out unconsciously and invented me at the receiver end. << Connection (kismat?) Launched in your very 1st call >> !!  Story begins …

I never wanted someone to write a letter to me – BUT today I’m writing about ‘US’ / ‘OUR story’!!

You used to walk miles with smiles and I used to plunk outside office for hours connected to you. Night used to be completely ours !! “Hey ..look at the moon ! This is the same moon I’m watching now!!” – you said… then I realized we are in the same world.

Black T-shirt made the evening colorful when train reached my home town. Was difficult to close my eyes despite midst of my family crowd. You were looking gorgeous. Thought for a moment – how is the idea of keeping you in a show case. Walked together late in the dark night resulting qualm. My B’Day night further strengthen the creeps – BUT we were in the full swing. Chori Mein Bhi Hai Mazza!

Never seen you dressed up to impress me / to men. Being a boy I used to be very possessive very often. I’m not talking to myself, convincing myself that U r innocent – U r actually !

Sometimes you were 'overreacting' and I was ‘over-reading’ you. Used to have ‘fights’ [highest level of DEMAND in Love J] but always ‘compromised’. There was a sense of vacuum when 'one' doesn't turn up any day. Was neither checking mailbox too often nor a poke .. a scrap. Was just waiting for an SMS…a ring !

You used to keep my phone bills lying around and I used to tear them up as soon as I receive them. You know – my wishes used to … anything or everything I buy should be liked by you.. every bite you have should be spooned by me… your company for all my overseas trips I go … show you the planet to capture all beautiful moments …
Story continues…
Generally speaking, such affairs (where there is a great deal of intimacy) don’t last very long (don’t know why?). e.g. Rekha & Amitabh, Victoria & Rabindranath Tagore, U & Me etc. despite high intellect level and sensitivity. Sometimes they can be good as long as they last. Same thing happened with us. Not backed off; our story just ended up one day – not a temptation that has been nurtured, not just waiting for an opportunity. Shall not allow someone lights-up-our-life/day a bit.

Madness started. Honda City … 1x10000 r/min, 40-45km/hr speedometer … “Keep Distance … Horn Please” SHARMA TRAVELS, 100 meters away, forced me to apply the break. How come I crossed the “Capital Court”? Need to take a U-turn to go back and park the car. Can you imagine a LIFE with U-turn possible? Can I ‘rewind’ our story? Would love to do so – would love to repeat the past. 

Somebody said “Dusk is just an illusion because the sun is either above the horizon or below it”. And that means that day and night are linked in a way that few things are there cannot be one without the other yet they cannot exist at the same time. How would it feel, I remember wondering, to be always together yet forever apart?

Hey, can you ever forget famous words between us… “I Love You The Most” [we actually mean it !]. Can you whisper now ? For my sake … please.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Can office politics ever be positive?

Just say the word “Office Politics” – you sense the disdain. Quite obvious if we see the downside (pursuing own agenda regardless of what's good for colleagues or the company) of it.

But this is also true “Nobody exists in an atmosphere where everybody agrees”.

Politics is the art of trying to accomplish things within organizations – but:-
1. The intent should be to bring in competitiveness (Each person is interesting if you are interested enough to ask the right question)
2. Ensure Nobody wins unless everybody wins
3. Success always creates Opposition. Try to find out who opposes them, how deep the opposition is - Don't just ask for opinions; change them
4. Focus on the ‘goal’ (organisational not personal) not on the ‘relationship’
5. Maybe you’re still thinking of being the person at the office who abstains from office politics. Realize that you won’t last long - in the office, that is. Putting your head down and doing your work is a good way to ensure that you don’t connect with anyone. This situation is deadly in a world where people are hired for what they know and fired for who they are. People need to get to know you in order to like you.

Read More

Responsibility vs. Accountability

1. Responsibility sometimes becomes a burden: A duty, obligation or liability to carry forward an assigned task to a successful conclusion. With responsibility goes authority to direct and take the necessary action to ensure success. (How did you overlook this defect? That was your responsibility!)

2. To become ‘accountable’ is something driven internally – where your mind / heart is.

You can make a person responsible but can't make them accountable.

Accountability requires ‘commitment’ / ‘sense of ownership’.
Commitment comes from ‘self interest and confidence’.
‘Interest and confidence’ comes from ‘motivation and empowerment’.

So the bottom-line is "Empowerment and Motivation" makes a responsible person ‘accountable’.

Read More

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Thought on *Independence* !

Inspiration:-
A line from Sashi Tharoor’s post (http://www.hindustantimes.com/The-ideas-of-India/Article1-586837.aspx) – “In the six-plus decades since Independence, democracy has failed to create a single political community….”.

My thoughts ….
This is an “Independent thought” on “Thought on Independence”. [don’t link with Independence DAY.]

At Mass Level [Independence means *Inter-dependence*] :-
{{
We need to differentiate between “Individual Rights … Freedom” and “Responsibility … sense of duty.. obligations”. We have all the *rights* to walk anywhere on the road – BUT at the same time we need to follow the traffic rules. Right? With the *rights* we lose the firmness, whereas *obligations* brings in humility.. modesty and creates atmosphere for others to live.

Individual freedom has to be limited i.e. “Nobody exists in an atmosphere where everybody exists”.
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At an Individual Level :-
{{
Thought; originated from mind has never been under anybody’s control… a torch to move on.

Think for a while ! what happens if thoughts are curtailed, no freedom for expression, when Individuality is suppressed ? – Simply a setback to humanity by impeding development.

Do we carry any advocacy, biography..chronicle.. which has been “built to LAST” ?

So, independence is a luxury that one cannot afford to pay and individuality is the sole reason behind creativity, the root of innovation and hence development.
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Gandhiji's thought...
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Normally, political systems are largely hierarchical, with increasing levels of authority over the layer below. BUT, Gandhi believed that society should be the exact opposite, where nothing is done without the consent of anyone, down to the individual. His idea was that true self-rule in a country means that every person rules his or herself and that there is no state which enforces laws upon the people.

Rather than a system where rights are enforced by a higher authority, people are self-governed by mutual responsibilities.

On returning from South Africa, when Gandhi received a letter asking for his participation in writing a world charter for human rights, he responded saying, "in my experience, it is far more important to have a charter for human duties.” A free India for him meant the existence of thousands of self sufficient small communities who rule themselves without hindering others.
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Conclusion :-
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Yeah , independent, though we may be mentally, we are all dependent on others around us to survive. And hence there are rules and regulations, dictated for the *collective good*.
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An independent thought makes us different (may create impact on other !!). So comments are always WELCOME : - )